Delicious Poop
Today on the bus ride home, I witnessed something that was so brilliant I didn't recognize it at first. It was a meeting of minds where the individuals were complete nincompoops but somehow as a collective they represented pure genius. It was a scenario of the whole being greater than the sum of its parts.
I sat in the front row of the seats that face forward (as opposed to the ones that have their backs against the sides of the bus) and I watched events unfold.
The bus driver was stout, if not chubby, and he had a big ol' beard and long hair that blended together so that they appeared as a single mass of hair, like Santa's shitass hair. Except this guy's Santa "mane" was pepper-colored. (Fuck pepper-colored.)
The bus pulls up to a stop and three people get on. The first is a woman with two bags of groceries and she can barely get her big butt up the steps. She's all bundled up but I can tell she's got to be in her 60's. She's sporting lovely tight purple spandex pants and no doubt she's got some 'gina action going for anyone unfortunate enought to be sitting across from her.
The other two getting on are men in their 50's, like the bus driver. One is cackling about scrooge to the bus driver and both he and the bus driver bust out laughing. The second man is waiting behind the first babbling "merry Christmas" like he's fucking Santa Claus.
All three people sat in the side-facing seats, but it was clear to me that none of them was traveling together. Somehow these clowns all happened to be in the same place at the same time. The scrooge guy, clad in giant blue coverall jeans from the Fleet Farm, continues talking to the bus driver. I hear the bus driver talking about Jared, the Gallery of Diamonds. This is where the genious begins.
Bussy suggests to Scrooge that he should go to Jared's to buy his Christmas gifts. Scrooge knows the game and starts talking like the people in the diamond commercial. He's saying crap like, "I shoulda gone to Jared." Bussy is eating it up. He says all he's getting for Christmas is a lump of coal, but maybe if he had Superman power he could compress the coal into a diamond.
That little exchange itself was worth the ride, but then Bussy and Scrooge move on to Superman and how ridiculous it was that Superman would compress coal and it would turn out as a perfectly cut diamond. The topic eventually morphed to Westerns and the other two folks started joining in. Suddenly I realized that I was witnessing a mobile roundtable discussion of the history and culture of Westerns.
It was the sort of meeting of minds that reminded me of a story you might see in the New York Times, like a hypothetical story about Paul McCartney and John Lennon writing songs together, or a recounting of the "Miracle on Ice," or an article about the early years of Apple or Sun Microsystems or Hewlett Packard. This setting, however, was too simple and Midwestern for the Times.
Bussy, Smoke on the Water, Scrooge, and Lumberjack Santa brought the bus to life with their insightful discussion of Westerns, old and new, and racial and political issues. Bussy and Scrooge were clearly leading the discussion, but Smoke on the Water showed her wisdom by interjecting bits of knowledge and inane insight. Lumberjack Santa was the quiet thinker of the group, but his presence fortified the mental tower that the four were constructing in that place. His articulations of "yes" and "hehehe" were flaming balls of dung aimed at the doubting minds of the other passengers on the bus.
Before I got off the bus, the roundtable had imparted me with the following gems: 1) 1950's Westerns were innaccurate and racist because they portrayed Native Americans as idiots; 2) at least 50% of all cowboys were black, but no Westerns are realistic enough to show black cowboys; 3) Clint Eastwood's Unforgiven is probably the best western ever, and if it is Eastwood's last Western it is a good one to have as the last one.
BTW, I watched the Star Wars trilogy (the episode IV-VI one) out of boredom this weekend and I have discovered the beauty of Princess Leia. I never thought it too much before but she was gorgeous!
I sat in the front row of the seats that face forward (as opposed to the ones that have their backs against the sides of the bus) and I watched events unfold.
The bus driver was stout, if not chubby, and he had a big ol' beard and long hair that blended together so that they appeared as a single mass of hair, like Santa's shitass hair. Except this guy's Santa "mane" was pepper-colored. (Fuck pepper-colored.)
The bus pulls up to a stop and three people get on. The first is a woman with two bags of groceries and she can barely get her big butt up the steps. She's all bundled up but I can tell she's got to be in her 60's. She's sporting lovely tight purple spandex pants and no doubt she's got some 'gina action going for anyone unfortunate enought to be sitting across from her.
The other two getting on are men in their 50's, like the bus driver. One is cackling about scrooge to the bus driver and both he and the bus driver bust out laughing. The second man is waiting behind the first babbling "merry Christmas" like he's fucking Santa Claus.
All three people sat in the side-facing seats, but it was clear to me that none of them was traveling together. Somehow these clowns all happened to be in the same place at the same time. The scrooge guy, clad in giant blue coverall jeans from the Fleet Farm, continues talking to the bus driver. I hear the bus driver talking about Jared, the Gallery of Diamonds. This is where the genious begins.
Bussy suggests to Scrooge that he should go to Jared's to buy his Christmas gifts. Scrooge knows the game and starts talking like the people in the diamond commercial. He's saying crap like, "I shoulda gone to Jared." Bussy is eating it up. He says all he's getting for Christmas is a lump of coal, but maybe if he had Superman power he could compress the coal into a diamond.
That little exchange itself was worth the ride, but then Bussy and Scrooge move on to Superman and how ridiculous it was that Superman would compress coal and it would turn out as a perfectly cut diamond. The topic eventually morphed to Westerns and the other two folks started joining in. Suddenly I realized that I was witnessing a mobile roundtable discussion of the history and culture of Westerns.
It was the sort of meeting of minds that reminded me of a story you might see in the New York Times, like a hypothetical story about Paul McCartney and John Lennon writing songs together, or a recounting of the "Miracle on Ice," or an article about the early years of Apple or Sun Microsystems or Hewlett Packard. This setting, however, was too simple and Midwestern for the Times.
Bussy, Smoke on the Water, Scrooge, and Lumberjack Santa brought the bus to life with their insightful discussion of Westerns, old and new, and racial and political issues. Bussy and Scrooge were clearly leading the discussion, but Smoke on the Water showed her wisdom by interjecting bits of knowledge and inane insight. Lumberjack Santa was the quiet thinker of the group, but his presence fortified the mental tower that the four were constructing in that place. His articulations of "yes" and "hehehe" were flaming balls of dung aimed at the doubting minds of the other passengers on the bus.
Before I got off the bus, the roundtable had imparted me with the following gems: 1) 1950's Westerns were innaccurate and racist because they portrayed Native Americans as idiots; 2) at least 50% of all cowboys were black, but no Westerns are realistic enough to show black cowboys; 3) Clint Eastwood's Unforgiven is probably the best western ever, and if it is Eastwood's last Western it is a good one to have as the last one.
BTW, I watched the Star Wars trilogy (the episode IV-VI one) out of boredom this weekend and I have discovered the beauty of Princess Leia. I never thought it too much before but she was gorgeous!
posted by Andy at
9:10 PM
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