Johnny the Farting Bear

"Flism flasm," said Bill Cosby. Here's something a little more inspiring than the last post:

Top 5 worst sports injuries:

• Missing ear


• Strained nut (British: dead nut)


• Rotated knee cap


• Deflated anterior cheek


• Beckman hair

So I was biking home a week after the bridge collapse, and I'm in a traffic lane dedicated to cars turning right. There was a Minneapolis cop directing traffic at the intersection because there were so many cars. I was behind a car in the lane, and there was a car behind me. I do this so the car in front can see where I am and not turn in front of me, a strategy that I think drivers appreciate. Anyway, the car in front turned, I advanced to the front, and I moved to the left so the car behind could turn behind me. Instead, I hear the blip of a police siren and a Hennepin County deputy guy (read: not a cop) pulls up next to me. He lectured me about being in the turn lane and told me to get over in the straight lane. Before I could respond, he pulled away. So I yelled "jackass" at him, and the people in the other cars heard it. Let me tell you, I try to give cops the benefit of the doubt because I know they have a stressful job, but it sure felt good calling the fake county cop a jackass. I hope he heard me too, because a fake cop has no business being an asshole. Armed with the knowledge that county cops don't really have any authority, I'll probably be more bold if one of them ever tries that shit again.

At least once a month, I get that stupid song "when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore" song stuck in my head. Every time, it degenerates to "sleighbells ring, ding-a-ling-a-ling, that's amore," like a weird fusion of the Christmas song and the amore song. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

All rules are negotiable. If someone tells you it can't be done, they are lying. Your cell phone company can reverse charges. The guy at the government office can pretend you got your papers in on time. You can feed the mogwai after midnight. It is all in how liberally you interpret the rules, and of course how prepared you are to deal with the consequences. But people who stand behind rules and say "no" should loosen their grip on their Bible or their copy of Mother Jones magazine and live a little. Or at least get the fuck out of my way.

When I was in 4th grade, I invented the word "dickslap." No one believes me. It is possible that it was invented independently of me and prior to my discovery, but the fact is I invented it and my own utterance was the first I and several of my friends had ever heard. This was probably around February of 1980. I distinctly remember sitting in Mrs. Banbury's class and telling my friend Chris Dirksz he was a dickslap. If anyone can prove that dickslap was invented prior to this, please speak up now. Otherwise, I will take credit.