Johnny the Farting Bear

"Flism flasm," said Bill Cosby. Here's something a little more inspiring than the last post:

Top 5 worst sports injuries:

• Missing ear


• Strained nut (British: dead nut)


• Rotated knee cap


• Deflated anterior cheek


• Beckman hair

So I was biking home a week after the bridge collapse, and I'm in a traffic lane dedicated to cars turning right. There was a Minneapolis cop directing traffic at the intersection because there were so many cars. I was behind a car in the lane, and there was a car behind me. I do this so the car in front can see where I am and not turn in front of me, a strategy that I think drivers appreciate. Anyway, the car in front turned, I advanced to the front, and I moved to the left so the car behind could turn behind me. Instead, I hear the blip of a police siren and a Hennepin County deputy guy (read: not a cop) pulls up next to me. He lectured me about being in the turn lane and told me to get over in the straight lane. Before I could respond, he pulled away. So I yelled "jackass" at him, and the people in the other cars heard it. Let me tell you, I try to give cops the benefit of the doubt because I know they have a stressful job, but it sure felt good calling the fake county cop a jackass. I hope he heard me too, because a fake cop has no business being an asshole. Armed with the knowledge that county cops don't really have any authority, I'll probably be more bold if one of them ever tries that shit again.

At least once a month, I get that stupid song "when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore" song stuck in my head. Every time, it degenerates to "sleighbells ring, ding-a-ling-a-ling, that's amore," like a weird fusion of the Christmas song and the amore song. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

All rules are negotiable. If someone tells you it can't be done, they are lying. Your cell phone company can reverse charges. The guy at the government office can pretend you got your papers in on time. You can feed the mogwai after midnight. It is all in how liberally you interpret the rules, and of course how prepared you are to deal with the consequences. But people who stand behind rules and say "no" should loosen their grip on their Bible or their copy of Mother Jones magazine and live a little. Or at least get the fuck out of my way.

When I was in 4th grade, I invented the word "dickslap." No one believes me. It is possible that it was invented independently of me and prior to my discovery, but the fact is I invented it and my own utterance was the first I and several of my friends had ever heard. This was probably around February of 1980. I distinctly remember sitting in Mrs. Banbury's class and telling my friend Chris Dirksz he was a dickslap. If anyone can prove that dickslap was invented prior to this, please speak up now. Otherwise, I will take credit.

I don't know if I can post here any more. I want to, but I can't get my head straight any more. I don't think I have the energy.

Something I've learned in the last few months is how important it is to have a support structure in your life. I've always been one to support other people and rely on myself, but lately the burdens of life have been so great that it has become a chore for me just to care for my basic needs. I can't support myself any more, and I feel like I have no one to turn to any more.

It got really bad last week when I met with city officials over an addition project I am proposing for my house. People with nothing better to do than whine and get in the way managed to derail the meeting, and the city denied me permission to construct the addition. It is a fucking box that is attached to the side of my house, how hard does this have to be? Anyway, I went home and fumed for a while, the stress overwhelming me. I decided to take it out on my lawn. As I was outside pushing the lawn mower across the rows of weeds and grass, ready to hurl the lawn mower at some undeserving inanimate object, I looked up and my neighbor was standing there.

He asked me how the meeting went, and he doesn't know it but his words snapped me back to sanity. He was seriously interested in how it went, and after I told him how bad it was he was sympathetic. It turns out he had gone through a similar bureaucratic mess a few years earlier. He offered me some documentation to help my cause, and later his wife offered to attend meetings in support of my case if it would help. I told them how thankful I was just that they were supportive, because up to that point everyone I had worked with had put obstacles in my path.

It is amazing, but just as I was ready to give up and sell everything and move to a cave somewhere, someone talked me back to reality. And they were just being their kind selves. And thanks to them I started formulating my next move instead of giving up on myself.