The President Is a Liar

Not that you needed it, but I've found more evidence that the President is a liar. Remember that the original reason he gave for invading Iraq was terrorism. That was a lie, so he switched to weapons of mass destruction. That was a lie. He switched to liberty and democracy. A lie.

The crisis in Sudan is more significant in every way than Iraq.

"But Saddam was gassing his own people," you may have heard. Well, that was back in the 80's and the casualty number of 5-20,000 still doesn't come close to the 200,000 civilians killed in fighting in Darfur over the last year or two. The US did nothing to condemn or stop Hussein when he was doing it, so why would we wait almost 20 years to take him out and why didn't we do it in the Persian Gulf War? This is not an acceptable reason to be in Iraq but not in Sudan.

"But Saddam was harboring terrorists." A lie. Saddam was a tyrant. Maintaining strict control of his borders and the people within them was critical to his position. With the Kurds and the Iranian war, he had his hands full. There are more terrorists in Iraq now than there could have been when Hussein was in power. There is no evidence that Hussein ever had contact with someone like Osama bin Laden. Interestingly, bin Laden is known to have lived and worked in Sudan for six years. Now there is an obvious link between Sudan and al Qaeda.

"But he must have been supporting terrorists with money and weapons." Another lie. There is no evidence that Hussein supported terrorists.

"But the President is supporting UN efforts to send peacekeeping forces to Sudan." Indeed, the man who championed the cause of going it alone in Iraq wants to get behind other efforts to help the Sudanese. How many billions of dollars will he pledge to the cause? How many months will it take for it to happen? How many more people will die? How many government contracts will he award to American corporations to rebuild the country?

"But Iraq is just the beginning of democracy in the Middle East." Yes, and Korea and Vietnam were just the beginning of democracy in Asia. It took 40 years to establish a stable democracy in South Korea, and North Korea didn't turn out so well for our efforts. Democratizing the world is a deep subject, and one that doesn't begin with simply invading countries and implementing a democracy. Before democracy, there must be security. There must be a long-term plan.

"But Iraq is strategically located, and is a rich source of oil." Why yes, it is. It figures prominently in long-term plans for containing the likes of Iran, Russia, and China. In fact, Iraq is quite critical to maintaining control of oil supplies. Even though we get most of our oil from countries outside of the Middle East, it is nice to know we will have a say in where other countries get theirs. That, and the military bases we will locate in Iraq will relieve us of having to beg Turkey and Uzbekistan to let us land our planes in their countries when we need to take on another Middle Eastern country. The democratization and de-weapons-of-mass-destruction-ification of Iran will be much easier now that we own Iraq.

So it is not about democracy, or killing of civilians, or harboring of terrorists, or weapons of mass destruction. If it were, we'd be sending troops to Sudan tomorrow. Iraq was less of a threat when we invaded than Sudan is today. Africa needs democracy more than any country in the Middle East. The President lied to us about Iraq. It is about imperialism.

That Old Guy Better Watch Out for the Wrath of God

Have you ever fucked a religious crackpot? Not that you would want to, but what if it was an accident? Have you ever accidentally fucked a religious crackpot? I suppose it is unlikely, given that religious crackpots usually have some sort of rule against fucking. Maybe you accidentally fucked the religious crackpot before their pot cracked.

I think this story is outrageous, but it is hilarious on another level. There are people who travel the country and protest at funerals of American soldiers who were killed in action. God hates America and kills our soldiers because we tolerate homosexuality, they say. I'd say god also hates the protesters because they live in Kansas, but I don't really believe in god. I guess I'll meet them in hell some day.

The absolute best cookie ever made can be bought at North Country Co-op on the West Bank in Minneapolis. It is called a monkey cookie and I think the bakery that makes them is called Third World Bakery. This cookie is loaded with all the good stuff. If you think it would be good in a cookie, it's in there. They run $1.75 each and they are big enough to be a full lunch. Incidentally, the second best cookie ever made is the shortbread with maple creme frosting that is on rare occasion sold just down the street from NCC at the Hard Times Cafe. Fukkin cookilicious, man.

Spring is just around the corner.

If humans walked on four legs like all other land mammals, each person would need to wear two pairs of pants instead of just one. If that is not proof of intelligent design, I don't know what is.

For the first time, I agree with something George W Bush said. I've agreed with some of his policies on some level before, but never with his words or justifications. In defense of the deal allowing Dubai Ports World to take over management of several US ports, he said, "This is a company that has played by the rules, that has been cooperative with the United States, a country that's an ally in the war on terror, and it would send a terrible signal to friends and allies not to let this transaction go through." If we expect places like Iraq and Afghanistan to adopt our standards of freedom and justice, we need to start adapting to a world where transactions with countries in the Middle East involve something other than oil. Next up, expect Bush to embrace the Qatar-based Al Jazeera news network as a shining example of democracy at work, use economic and military power to force democratic reforms in several African countries, and to announce initiatives to improve safety and benefits at foreign factories that make goods for American companies.

Cheezball Breakfast

I stopped at Menards recently and they had these gigantic clear plastic canisters of cheese balls, the little corn puff balls covered with cheese powder (and salt and greese). I bought one for $4 thinking I would take it to work and place it in the middle of the table at a meeting the next day over the lunch hour. Well I took it to the meeting and everyone looked at it suspiciously while they ate their sandwiches and things. No one ate the balls.

So I've had this giant can of chee-z-balls sitting on a table in my office for a week now and I can't help but scoop out a handful now and then. I've had four or five handfuls for breakfast this morning. Last week, I saw four of our highly paid information technology professionals down in the atrium of the building fixing the information kiosk. I brought the cheezers down for them and made the group five. Over the course of two hours, they managed to eat half of the canister's contents. Moreover, that two hours probably cost my company upwards of $500 in lost productivity. This was a job some kid from the helpdesk could have fixed in 15 minutes but we had four and five guys down there wasting away two hours.

The Cheese Ball Canister now stands at about one quarter full. That thing could feed an entire town in Africa for only $4 per day.

Send Her Flowers to Show Her You...

With the marketing push of Valentine's day in full motion and since a few friends asked me this weekend, "what happened with that one girl?" ...here you go.

Since around the second week of January, every time I hear or read about sending people flowers I am reminded of this insane thing that happened to me. I sent some tulips to the workplace of this woman I had been dating. I figured it was probable that she would react negatively; it was a calculated risk, but I never expected this.

Just understand that 99% of what she wrote is fabricated. Her way of telling me that she didn't want to date me was to feed me lines like, "I get the impression you're annoyed by me," "you think we don't have chemistry," and "you're not interested in me." She never said anything like "no" or "I do not want to date you." She could have saved herself and me some trouble if she had. Instead, I wanted to show her that all of those negative statements she was projecting onto me were not true and I sent the flowers. The plan was approved by a female friend of mine.

After the flowers were delivered, I sent her a followup email asking for another chance and explaining why I did not want to be "just friends" (a suggestion she had made). Her reply was so amazingly insane that I can still see the words framed in my email reader: "...maybe you're not aware of the extent of the law, so this is your one freebie...I know my rights...I am not threatened by you." Threatened by flowers?!?!

She had mentioned on several occasions that she had a blog, so I sought it out expecting to find posts about her lifelong struggle with schizophrenia or something. At first it was distressing to read some of that stuff, but I kept up on it for several days because it became so ridiculous as to be entertaining. As if some crazy 35 year old virgin who had been dropped on his head as a baby was obsessed with her, and she played an entirely passive, innocent role in the whole ordeal, right!

I guess I should have heard the alarm bells ringing when she asked me during one of our dates, "have you ever hit a woman?" She's got issues with male figures in her past (she hinted about them a few times) and she was going to paint me as the victimizer whether I wanted to play that role or not. "You're not interested in me" was her way of telling me she did not want to date me and making it look as though I was the protagonist.

On the bright side, I spent $50 on flowers to basically get her to air out her baggage. If I could spend 50 bucks to get women to air out their baggage up front I would do it every time. Her reaction was a bonus in that way, and I got 1,000 Worldperks miles from the flower company for my troubles too. Still, I guess I'll be thinking twice before I send someone flowers again.

For the record, the part about the Oscar Wilde quote on the flower note was the 1% of truth in her post. It was, "Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives." Ha.

Expedient Delivery of Snack Foods for Immediate Gratification

Several years ago there was a movie called The Insider where it was suggested that the tobacco industry was researching ways to deliver nicotine to the brain more quickly, providing for faster gratification of smokers. The movie was out around the time of the big tobacco industry settlements that were sweeping the nation. I remember thinking about how the food industry and the alcoholic beverage industry were guilty of more or less the same thing, but they were not being sued.

Take, for instance, soda pop. Some time in the late 90's the canning companies started marketing soda can and bottle designs that had wider openings. I believe it was Mountain Dew that first took on the new design. It wasn't long before every can or bottle of soda had the bigger mouth. The days of waiting for your soda to fill your mouth so you could take a big gulp and deliver it to your belly were over.

To be fair, it was probably fast food and microwaves that started the trend off. They reduced the time it took to get one's food out of its packaging and into one's mouth. The junk food industries took it a step further and not only made the time from shelf to belly shorter, but they did so by finding ways to deliver the greasy calories through the facial orifice more quickly.

For example, another trend is the boom in the "bites" technology of the candy companies. Where once there was a candy bar, there is now Heath Bites, Reese's Bites, Mr. Goodbar Bites, and so on. The round little bites of candy flow into the mouth faster and are easier to chew and swallow. In the same way that a bucket of ball bearings has properties that approach those of a liquid, so too do "bites" as they are dispensed into the mouth. If they could make liquid Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, I'm sure they would.

If you watch a Pringles commercial you'll see happy youths pouring the chips out of the canister directly into their mouths. Why get the hands involved when you can cut the middle man? If only they could find a way to eliminate the need to hold the canister to the mouth, the happy youths could enjoy their snack without physical exertion.

With booze, it's the Bacardi Mixers and Captain Morgan's Rum and Coke type of drinks. No more mixing the drinks yourself. No more waiting for a bartender to mix them. Just pop the cap and guzzle.

The obligatory conclusion is that this snack food craze is making our nation fat. Our teens are bursting at the seams because they are addicted to snacks. I'd like to point out another effect, however. This instant gratification has shortened the amount of time that we spend eating and socializing. Meals are a race to the finish. Sometimes it would be nice to sit for a meal with some friends and just enjoy their company while eating for a couple of hours.